Some time ago I had a coaching session with a corporate executive. He was (I’m not kidding!) ranting about someone that he had to work with who, in his judgmental view, was being a real jerk. Given his judgments, he seemed doomed to be forever locked in conflict with his colleague. Even though in theory, they were supposed to be on the same side of the fence. After all, they worked for the same organization and had the same overarching goals.
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As an observer, it’s sometimes fairly easy to see what’s going on in these kinds of situations. But, might I say, this one was extreme. I intuited I probably needed to ‘get down’ with him; to match his energy as a way of potentially supporting whatever was next for him. So I told him I was going to take a risk and dive in deep with him.
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Then I asked him whether he wanted to be The Middle East (generation after generation seemingly forever locked in conflict) or whether he wanted to be South Africa (somehow transcending major bloodshed and trauma).
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I told him how many years ago while the system of apartheid was still in place, I had read July’s People, a novel by Nadine Gordimer and about how much it touched me. July, a black South African, was in the employ of a white South African family. July and ‘his’ family actually had a plan for what to do when the black South Africans revolted and bloodshed came. At that time, most people thought it was inevitable. But the bloody revolution never came!
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And that was true for the person I have the privilege of coaching as well. Somehow, he stilled himself enough to listen. And it seems that the metaphor had meaning for him and he saw it within himself.
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How do I know? Because the next time we were together, he told me the story of how he had met with his colleague and that they had a heart-to-heart talk about their differences. He said that by being open to changing his mind, their relationship had been transformed.
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How do I know? Because the next time we were together, he told me the story of how he had met with his colleague and that they had a heart-to-heart talk about their differences. He said that by being open to changing his mind, their relationship had been transformed.
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How does this happen? What was the difference? It was…and is and will continue to be…the infinite and incredible human capacity to say I’m sorry, to love, heal, and move on. Finding our way through, recovering from passionately overextending or making mistakes, and reconciling.
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When we forgive, we give a gift of kindness not only to the other(s) but also to ourselves.
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Photo by Barbara
Minneapolis, MN